How to Spot a Secret Hater Friend
You know those people who make an excel sheet on their birthdays to analyze who remembers and who forgets? That’s a little insane. However, I do respect their level of self awareness. That’s how we all need to be in 2024. Self aware and ready to create a social circle that we are proud of. No more fake friends.
Sadly, in life we learn that not everyone has the same heart as us. Sometimes we make excuses for people for a multitude of reasons. Maybe we’ve been friends with them for a long time and there’s history on the line. Sometimes we’ve over shared to them too many times & they know too many of our deepest, darkest secrets. (This is a reason I’ve kept a toxic friend around in the past.) Other times, we just don’t realize that our friend is a bad friend. Whatever the reason, keeping a toxic friend (who secretly…but actually not so secretly hates you) is OUT for 2024.
Here’s how to spot them & also how to slowly remove them from your inner circle.
“Hey…didn’t you wear that outfit yesterday?”
Ugh. Give me a break. We’re all just trying to get by. The first sign of a secret hater friend (SHF) is that they’re constantly making little digs at you to make you look bad. Everybody makes mistakes, but if you have a friend that is always making you out to be the laughing stock when you’re with them, you can be pretty certain you’re dealing with an SHF. An SHF wants everyone to know that you’ve made a mistake; either now or in the past. They’ll constantly bring up embarrassing stories or cracks jokes at your expense. These digs not only make you look bad, but make them look better. And that’s the ultimate goal of an SHF. One upping you one step at a time.
Be aware of this when you’re at a pregame, around your boss, or any event with new/important people.
“Congrats.”
An SHF will always be there for you when you’re down. That might make you believe they’re a good friend. A great one, even. But the difference between a great friend & an SHF is the way they talk to you when you’ve accomplished something. How do they celebrate you? Do you find yourself disappointed in the responses from a friend when you’ve gotten a promotion, an award, or a new love interest? There are many examples of this. The bottom line is: secret hater friends don’t want to see you succeed. And they’ll never tell you that.
They’ll keep their distance when you’re up, and act as a shoulder to cry on when you’re down. It’s manipulative and sneaky, but it works if you’re not looking out for it.
Disclaimer: I am aware we all have our days and our triggers. For someone to be an SHF, any/all of these examples need to occur frequently.
Hi stranger
In friendships, I tend to trust too much. What I’ve realized over the years is that you can’t trust everyone, not even your friends (depending). And SOMETIMES, you can’t even trust your CLOSEST friend.
If you have a friend that only hits you up for information or gossip, they are an SHF.
Secret hater friends are nosey and calculated. They “check in” on you, but it’s more so for their benefit. SHFs want to be in the know so they can use that info to their advantage.
Also beware of the friends who you can’t seem to break that emotional barrier with. Friendship is a two way street. If you feel like you’re giving tons of yourself to someone that isn’t reciprocating, maybe it’s time to reevaluate. An SHF isn’t going to get real with you. They’ll never share their secrets, even if you share yours. Not just secrets, though. A secret hater friend won’t share any details of their life with you. They simply want to observe.
Judge Judy
“You’re trying too hard.”
“You’ve changed”
“You’re boring, distant, etc.”
Obviously calling someone out for something is situational. You should be able to tell a friend when they’ve done something you disagree with. HOWEVER, an SHF will constantly project their own insecurities onto you by making you believe that you’re the problem.
When you’re open to talking things out, they have no clear examples of how you’ve changed, other than the fact that you’re maybe not as present in their life anymore. Or you’re not giving them what they need to feel validated by you.
Again, this is a tough one to pinpoint. But you’ll feel it. Most of the time, these judgments are out of spite; a projection of their own insecurities onto you.
So now what?
How do I cut an SHF out of my life?
To be real with you, I suck at cutting people off that I probably should. In this type of situation, distance will be your best friend.
If you’re not able to give them the scissors all together (I’m with you, girl), try sharing less with them. See if they still value the friendship as much when you’re not feeding them with information. Try slowly fading away until that best friend becomes a friend, or maybe even an acquaintance. Just because you have history with someone doesn’t lock them into your life forever.
And who knows, your friendship may even rekindle once you’re both under the understanding that you’re not here for the bullsh!t.
Once again, thank you for all the love and support you all have shown me and FemaleFeedBlog. May this year bring you the most bountiful, loving & fulfilling friendships you have ever known.
